i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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