i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i came on her dog
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
