i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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