Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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