Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
And then he peed in my hair
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
