I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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