I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
