If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
