Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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