I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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