I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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