3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently you make a good broom.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
