What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
