I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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