I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
