So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
