Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
