I faked an abortion last night.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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