the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
