All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
