Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
