Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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