2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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