we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
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i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity