she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
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Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.