You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.