I think i peed on brittanys purse
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
