yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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