you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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