I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
