The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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