i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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