Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
