I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
