Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
