Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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