Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Four minutes until I can fart!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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