She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
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Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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