i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
