I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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