Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
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I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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