i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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