I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
