Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
