just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
