I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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