I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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