Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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