You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
