she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
