I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
