I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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