apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She told me I should be a condom model.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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