So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
