my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
