I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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