the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
