i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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