he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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