I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
