I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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